This article will be a bit different since I decided that I wanted to share some of my own personal stories. I decided I wanted to share this because in a way it could be therapeutic for me, and also, because someone could read this and feel really related, even if it is obviously not the same exact situation. Just so you know, this is a hard topic for me to talk about so be gentle. This is just a small and simplified part of my story…[The images I will be posting are simply to showcase how “bigger” people are portrayed and how probably I have internalized all of these messages, not to offend anyone because obviously I do not agree.]
My childhood
I have always struggled with my weight. The other day I found out that that based on the BMI (Body Mass Index) scale, I am considered obese. Obviously it let me feeling even worse than how I was feeling before. I remember being very young and dealing with my weight. From what I remember, I believe that I ate healthy and everything, but I was always “just a little fat.” In my culture, especially in family gatherings, everything is celebrated with food, so it’s hard to escape. Anyway, so I do remember being a happy child and active, until about I was around 7-years-old. After that, my father left the home and it was just me, my little sister and my mom. I remember hurting so much, crying every night (literally) and my mom being so upset because I would not stop crying. My mom wanted for me and my sister to be happy. At the same time, she tried to resolve it with food (which probably explains my emotional eating). She took us to McDonald’s and other fast foods many times during the month and with the toys or just eating out home we seemed to feel “happy”. My mom went through depression and was also an emotional eater, and well, she became morbidly obese. Now she struggles with many health issues and I am completely sure that most people judge her. But they don’t know her background story and that she is one of the most amazing people you would ever meet in your life.
Okay, well, I got into my teenage years. I was never enough and my skinny friends were always more beautiful than me, at least that’s what I thought. I judged myself constantly looking in the mirror and never liking who I was. I knew I was smart and funny but I knew that the guys were not even paying attention to me (which is a big deal when you are an adolescent). I guess that this ties to my next point…
Bullying
Have you ever struggled with bullying so bad that you wanted to die? Yes? Well, you are not alone. I struggled with bullying basically my whole life; at least all the time that I was in school. Who knows if it was because first I had self-esteem issues or I had self-esteem issues because of the bullying. I got told “fat”, “pig”, “cow”, gorda asquerosa, etc., many, many more. I was brutally bullied in school, but my family never did anything about it because I think I mostly kept it to myself. I remember I would ask my dad for money to buy clothes for school, and he would say no because he did not want me to get used to how I was. He would pay for a gym membership…and so he did. I was going to a gym after school almost every day and I lost weight. But I would go with my friends, and they stopped going and because I did not want to go alone, I stopped going too. I wish maybe I never stopped going. Who knows, maybe I would be thin now. I can feel myself getting emotional right now, but I’ll keep writing.
Relationships
I finally left that fuckin’ hell called school (because of the bullying, not class or anything since I was an above average student). I started college when I was 18 years old, and I felt confident in myself even though I still struggled with my weight. But I don’t know, people seemed more open and accepting. When I was 19, I met my first boyfriend and we were together for about 2 years and it made me feel even more confident, until I found out that he cheated on me. This is a whole different study, so I don’t want to go on a tangent. Anyway, we broke up and since he said it was my entire fault, I fell into depression really bad until I got super sick. For some time I couldn’t eat, I had no appetite. Then, I ate like crazy, anything I wanted at any time. So I gained weight until I weighted around 240, the highest I’ve been my whole life and hopefully I won’t go back. But anyway, I’m still struggling. I was alone for about 4 years before I met this person and I fell in love even though it did not work out. It made me feel okay because then I knew that I could still feel something…which I thought I lost. I met some new friends from a local popular band and they usually talked about how much they loved “thick” or “chubby” women and to be honest, that gave me a whole different perspective. I felt super duper confident!
Moving to the US
So months after I met those friends I had to move away to work on my graduate studies. Moving to the United States has been really hard on me emotionally, physically, and intellectually. After feeling extremely confident, I changed bit by bit into this average mentality kind of person. I saw the commercials, magazines, etc. and it was all about being young, thin, and beautiful. I did not feel that way. Besides, I’ve been here for over 2 years and no one (not any guys at least) has ever told me I’m beautiful or that they like me. No one has asked me on a date or approached me in anyway. Yeah, that sucks, believe me. So every time I go back home and all the guys are “all over me” it makes me feel confused because I don’t understand why they would like me. I had a boyfriend, long distant relationship, and well, let’s just say that it did not work out. I felt kind of confident physically, but not so much relationship wise. Anyway, the point is that I noticed the change in my own mentality and a lot of pressure of my outside looks. And sometimes it is even worse with people that were bigger and have lost weight and then it’s like they “look down on you” (with this mentality that you can do it and that if I did it why not you). It hurts…a lot. If you see all the messages by mainstream media, you will completely understand my point. I’m tired of people’s comments, especially people that you think care about you, and end up putting you down. At least I’ve been busting my butt working and studying and I’m proud of myself….
Final words
Clearly my life story is so much more complicated than how I simplify everything in this article. There are things about my life that I can’t tell because they are way too serious and hurtful. I bet it happens the same with you too. I have tried to lose weight I don’t know how many times and it is so so so soooo hard for me. I have never been thin, and probably I will never be. And this is okay because it is my body and I own it. Almost nobody believes me when I tell them I am healthy, which I am, at least for now and then they would argue that later I would be sick. But still, that’s none of their business. They don’t get how much my past has traumatized me from all the pressure to lose weight I’ve had my whole life. I would always, and I still do, compare myself to friends or other women, and felt that they were more beautiful than I was, am. But I am so tired of that. It breaks my heart to see little girls hating themselves because I was there too and it was, and still not is, worth it. I love myself and I don’t want my struggles with weight to follow me my whole life…I am much more than just a number on the scale, I am a human being and I deserve to be respected and loved, as much as anyone else.
Thank you a lot for reading if you made it this far!
Okay, so now that you have read my story, what’s your story?
-Didi
Sunflower dreams 